bittersweets

So lots of people are leaving in the next few months and its been really wierd dealing with the emotions that go along with it.

Obviously I dont want people to leave and wish they could hang out forever, but just as obviously I understand people need change and to do the things they wish to do. So its a little hard being happy and sad at the same time for so many people simultaneously.

After having one of the best nights of my life at Andrea's going away party, which was amaazing, I discovered that overall I was much more happy for the people who were leaving than I was sad that they had to go.

Whether they come back or not, I am just honored to have been with them while they were here, and grateful that I can feel sad for someone thats leaving at all. Ive seen plenty of people leave without caring, and its bittersweet now to finally know what it means to say i'll miss someone. Thankyou to everyone that has helped build my experience with life, and good luck where you're headed.

little bits.

I've often heard that true friends are evident in times of great disaster, excitement, sorrow and joy, which is true, but I feel like that's almost too obvious. Anyone can use a situation of such elevated proportions to rise to the occasion and be there for someone whether in Good times or Bad. And not to say those times don't count, but personally I find that the true expression of friendship and love is apparent in the seemingly meaningless moments. When someone goes out of their way to help you out for no reason at all other than to respond to your invitation of need. Its these small moments that really show someones character. Asking a friend to cover your shift at work for nothing important other than just really needing a break, and having them do it, no questions asked. A "just because" present. A late night text message describing something amazing.
I think its too easy to overlook these little bits of grace, and only notice the earth-shaking moments. We CANNOT take for granted when other people are thinking about you, because it could very easily be otherwise. Nobody wants to be alone.
The next time someone calls you or mentions you in conversation, take a moment to appreciate that you've made even the smallest amount of influence on someone that you still have a place in their thoughts amongst the millions of other things they are distracted with daily.

Its the little bits that are precious.

good times

I'm happy to report that right now, in this instant, i am entirely and utterly full of joy. of course that comes from being in this state for the last few days or so, but focusing on the moment i don't think i could be in a better place whatsoever. for the first time in awhile there is absolutely nothing in the back of my mind. i am perfectly content with who i am, and where i am.
and all of this i owe to you.
i love my friends and i love who i am because of them, even if i do smoke cigarettes again! i love chasing rabbits, being fascinated by blue whales, discovering new books and movies (don't get me started on Miranda July or Amelie,) and most of all LAUGHING! seriously, my cheeks hurt every night when i get home, like now as i lay in bed smiling while reflecting on tonight's list of hilarity's.
tomorrow I'll go to Kaplans and start a new great day with a new great espresso drink. Kristin says i should go with a machiatto and i think i will cause i trust her judgement "lol".....

good night, and good times!

balance.

Isn't it strange how the things we love the most become so common, that we take them for granted and overlook how lucky we are to have them in the first place? Maybe everyone else is better at staying aware of things, and keeping friends close, but through experience I have found that this is a quality I definitely exhibit a lack of.

I first became aware of this after observing how I handle situations amongst different friends and peers. I noticed how notorious I was at making multiple sets of plans and then having to let someone down. Ironic how trying to keep my options open then usually ended with no options at all. This is a characteristic of myself i have known of for awhile, and I have done some work at ridding myself of this selfish and terrible habit. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it too, I remembered past commitments and came through for people. I found turning someone down initially was much easier than making up lies and excuses after the fact. But I guess I still have problems.

Two nights ago I told my two longest-known friends, Billy and Nick, that I wanted to go to the beach the next day with them. I told them what I was doing the next morning, and when I would call to make it happen. So far so good right?

Not exactly.

I did do as I said, and I called when I said I would, but then proceeded to make plans with other friends, which was to go to the beach with them, instead. I didn't do it with intent of blowing off anyone, but I can't play the innocent card either. Part of me knew what I was doing, I guess another part of me just thought it didn't matter. And that is exactly the problem. Life needs balance, and so do we internally. I cannot let my thoughts override what my gut knows is wrong, but rather the two must work equally together. It's not like this is a radical new idea or anything. Hell, we learned of checks and balance in 4th grade, so why is it that sometimes I need someone else to remind me of I already know?

Well that someone came. Nick got a hold of me as I was leaving the beach and was clearly disappointed on the phone. In his sarcastic and "its-not-a-big-deal-BUT..." kind of way, he let me know he felt betrayed and abandoned. Suddenly the highs from having a wonderful time at the beach were being stripped away with the guilt of knowing I'd just fucked over someone who Ive always considered my best friend, while enjoying myself in the process. Again, balance; highs indeed come with lows, but if you're impeccable with your word they shouldn't have to. Had that been the case, there would have been no phone call.

I took nick for granted and pushed him aside without a second thought. Talking to him was more than just a phone call, it was a wake up call from my subconscious saying "wake up, look at what you have in front of you, cause you just as easily couldn't."

Nick, I've known you longer than anyone but family, and I am so sorry. Nothing can change what has already happened but I can change how I function in the future. I don't want to lose you as a friend, I know now how easily I could, and I promise not to take you for granted ever again.