balance.

Isn't it strange how the things we love the most become so common, that we take them for granted and overlook how lucky we are to have them in the first place? Maybe everyone else is better at staying aware of things, and keeping friends close, but through experience I have found that this is a quality I definitely exhibit a lack of.

I first became aware of this after observing how I handle situations amongst different friends and peers. I noticed how notorious I was at making multiple sets of plans and then having to let someone down. Ironic how trying to keep my options open then usually ended with no options at all. This is a characteristic of myself i have known of for awhile, and I have done some work at ridding myself of this selfish and terrible habit. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it too, I remembered past commitments and came through for people. I found turning someone down initially was much easier than making up lies and excuses after the fact. But I guess I still have problems.

Two nights ago I told my two longest-known friends, Billy and Nick, that I wanted to go to the beach the next day with them. I told them what I was doing the next morning, and when I would call to make it happen. So far so good right?

Not exactly.

I did do as I said, and I called when I said I would, but then proceeded to make plans with other friends, which was to go to the beach with them, instead. I didn't do it with intent of blowing off anyone, but I can't play the innocent card either. Part of me knew what I was doing, I guess another part of me just thought it didn't matter. And that is exactly the problem. Life needs balance, and so do we internally. I cannot let my thoughts override what my gut knows is wrong, but rather the two must work equally together. It's not like this is a radical new idea or anything. Hell, we learned of checks and balance in 4th grade, so why is it that sometimes I need someone else to remind me of I already know?

Well that someone came. Nick got a hold of me as I was leaving the beach and was clearly disappointed on the phone. In his sarcastic and "its-not-a-big-deal-BUT..." kind of way, he let me know he felt betrayed and abandoned. Suddenly the highs from having a wonderful time at the beach were being stripped away with the guilt of knowing I'd just fucked over someone who Ive always considered my best friend, while enjoying myself in the process. Again, balance; highs indeed come with lows, but if you're impeccable with your word they shouldn't have to. Had that been the case, there would have been no phone call.

I took nick for granted and pushed him aside without a second thought. Talking to him was more than just a phone call, it was a wake up call from my subconscious saying "wake up, look at what you have in front of you, cause you just as easily couldn't."

Nick, I've known you longer than anyone but family, and I am so sorry. Nothing can change what has already happened but I can change how I function in the future. I don't want to lose you as a friend, I know now how easily I could, and I promise not to take you for granted ever again.

emulated memories

OK so I'm sitting at the coffee shop, slightly hungover and entirely tired when Paul starts introducing me to the wonderful world of Emulators. For those who are unfamiliar with these little programs of magic, (and I speak as an expert given my recent 15 minutes of experience with them) you download one, and it lets you play almost any video game from your childhood that you can dream of. Imagine Battle Toads and Mario all over again. I can already feel the ridiculously anti-ergonomic Nintendo controllers digging into my palms as I scream personally at the Kool-Aid-stuck "B" button which, of course, is the only button I need for whatever game I'm currently engrossed in.

After a brief lesson in downloading, I'm soon up and running with my new Nintendo emulator "NESticles." (Not quite as innocent as I remember my old game console being, but lets look beyond that...) Two clicks, and three keystrokes later, I'm staring at the menu of "Hudson's Adventure Island," but more importantly at a page of my childhood. Suddenly I was no longer presently sitting in the excitement of the coffee shop, but rather I was 7 years old, cross-legged in my parents TV room, reminding myself to blink every once in awhile so as to better be prepared for killer snails and bundles of oh-so-crucial bananas.

Back in reality, I'm reminded of my older sister, and how much she loved this game, given it was one of the only activities she could actually enjoy with her three younger obnoxious brothers... If only she were here now to chime in with tips, hints, and criticisms as only she could provide.

Like riding a bike, I quickly remember all the controls, the strategies, and to my surprise even the secret skateboard-concealing eggs. Even more quickly I remember how easily frustrated one can get with these games, and soon stop playing. Little did I know, I was leading myself into one of the most challenging tests of human patience ever created on this earth or any other:

I would like you to meet MARBLE MADNESS.


The name itself is more fitting than the creators could have ever known. Imagine the most dismal life you could possibly have; you're a round ball in an angled world full of ramps, pitfalls, acid pools, killer vacuums, and rougue black balls not to be mistaken as friends. Their only goal is to make life worse for you, as if that is even possible. In this world, Darwin got slapped in the face. Something went horribly wrong with evolution here. You're a lone mosquito in a room full of angry Minnesotans just trying to enjoy their brats.
Predestined for disaster, you are now expected to transverse this jagged landscape in hopes of reaching the only safe place in town: a flat area between two flags marked "Goal." Given that you're a sphere, and thus have no edges to stop you, navigating is a cumbersome chore. Forget all you're On Demand privileges, stopping and turning are not as simple as Mario had it. In this world Newton reigns supreme. So just try and make it to the Goal. I dare you.

Oh and did I mention you have only 60 seconds to succeed, and if you fail you go back to the first level of the game again? Being a ball isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I think I'll go back to the island, and only worry about my bananas staying ripe. Here's to you sis. :)

Smile and Nod

So this is where it starts; the moment where we shake hands, smile, nod and either hope for relationships to come, or for akward introductions to end abruptly...
It is pushing 4 in the morning, the rabbits have long ended their dancing, to be replaced by the songs of morning sparrows. Funny how my day has yet to end, but in the natural order of things, it has already passed and a new day is begging to begin.
With that sunrise comes the start of this blog. As of now, it has no premise or purpose other than to document the moments that can never be forgotten but inevitably can be lost amongst many more of their kind.
For those of you close to me whether awake or sleeping, in the room or at home wrapped in familiar covers, but with me either way, tonight has been another night of laughter and unrestrained expression. The handshakes have been replaced by hugs and the future is bright, so lets burn another cigarette, queue the next song, and dream of otters in love.